Monday, June 14, 2010


That is the question
- that I have been wondering about for the last few weeks.
After we returned from our Moroccan trip I spent literally hours sorting through our thousands of photos, choosing the ones I wanted to use, uploading them and then putting the posts about our trip together and honestly, as long as I was still doing that I could somehow fool myself into feeling that I was still there but when it was finished so, it seems, was I. Hence the long hiatus.

How did I manage to fool myself into believing that going back to the continent that so surely has stolen my heart and soul would be different this time? I fed myself all the lines about it being North Africa, totally different from the region I lived in, more 'Arab' less 'African,' no big, beautiful flora and fauna, a Muslim state, blah, blah, blah! Yeah right! IDIOT!!! Who was I kidding?

So the past several weeks have been a tough time. I have been trying hard to readjust to the utterly materialistic world of living in a tiny glass box, twenty-one floors up in the air with nothing but concrete, steel and glass for hundreds of miles around me. But it does not come easy. I have been a nightmare to live with and probably pretty miserable to work with too, although I have tried my best to keep that on an even keel at least.
I yearn for the open spaces, the sensory bombardment, the brutality, the grittiness, the realness, the uncompromising feel of Africa that I have yet to find replicated anywhere else. In short, the feeling of being alive. And no, the local gang wars and drug induced violence on the streets of Chicago is not the same thing at all!! It sounds so corny but Africa truly is like the strongest drug imaginable, once you are hooked you live for the next fix. And let me tell you, cold turkey sucks! And so here I am, mangled, battered and bruised in true junky style but still hanging in there. One of the steps I needed to take was to get back to blogging. It will certainly be a little spasmodic for a while but hopefully this is a first step.

And just to add a little salt to the wounds a friend from when I used to live in Zambia recently found my blog and left me a very sweet comment asking me to visit her blog. She is a beautiful person, inside and out, living in Tanzania with horses, dogs and a view to die for so reading her blog was pretty eviscerating (Sorry 'J' you know I love you really!) but it will give you a pretty good idea of the beautiful/brutal, spellbinding/stark, vivid/violent and utterly unique way of life that is Africa. Here it is She writes beautifully so her blog is really a pleasure to read. If you are not a blubbering mess like me :)

Enough wallowing for today, now I must go and catch up on reading some of my favorite blogs that I have sorely neglected visiting recently. I promise to try and make my next post a lot less self-pitying!


Kathiesbirds said...

Dearest Celeste, I know all too well the pull of a place that you love so well. Is there no way that you and your hubbie could move there for good? When Gus and I left Idaho over 20 years ago now I cried for years. We were never able to move back. After moving aorund the USA since then I have now adjusted to life in AZ and have found my second love of my life. But life is so short and we are not getting any younger. I can only imagine the distress you have felt. If you are like me, I guess that you have been torn between your love of your husband and your place where you feel the most alive and the most "you." I hope you will be able to sort it all out and still find happiness. You have been missed. Hugs to you! ~Kathie

Laughing Orca Ranch said...

Sometimes I find that blogging can be so cathartic. A way for me to sort out my thoughts, and share them with others....others how might be more subjective than I am or who can relate like noone in my 'real life' circle seems able to.

I loved reading your post tonight. You make me want to visit YOUR precious Africa.
I have traveled and visited many places, but there are only a few places that make me ache so deeply that I feel wrecked when I leave.
You know in your heart that, to feel whole again, you need to somehow make that place your home.

I hope you can make that happen for you someday, my friend.


gtyyup said...

I'm very glad that you will continue to blog...that was what I thought was coming.

I couldn't say anything better than what Kathiesbirds has said...if there were any way for you to move to the land you love, you should do it! Life is too short to not be living the life you love.

Best thoughts to you~

Becky said...

Aww... I have always enjoyed your blubbering mess. I hope you are able to get back to what you love, and soon.

LOL @ Chicago not being the same thing.

Rambling Woods said...

Oh it must be so hard for you to live in Chicago when Africa is out there waiting...I understand if I can't find the words to express it...